Assorted passages from the book; they are all relevant ... but then, I think you can figure that out.

Acknowledgements

Nobody has the guts to admit they helped me or were in any way involved in this book.  Besides, I did sorta do it after dark whithout telling anyone.  I thank me for all the thought, planning, and effort that got me through getting this book written and printed.  Now you, you poor SOB - you gatta read it.

Dedication

This book is didicated to me.  Live long, live loud, and die ugly.

Forward

These are my Thumb Rules for Life, offered in celebration of the end of my first 60 and kicking off the next. By now I've figured out I can say pretty much what I want, and most folks won't pay it much mind, just chuck it off as prattling from yet another geezer, so it don't much matter more or

from the copyrights and publication data page:

less. Just keep in mind, if you're not already, you're going to be 60 one day soon (unless you die first), some of you sooner than others. My secret to longevity is bein' ornery. In the end, if you wanna live long and live well, don't do what I do; do what you do because only you, your genes, and God have the power to determine your life and longevity. So do whacha gottado and CELEBRATE IT.

Coopyright 2002 by Mindworm Press, a division of Mindworm Enterprises.  No part of this book may be duplicated in part or in whole without the express written consent of the author.  Vioators may be violated - like their names or personae might show up in a future novel. ... The paper on which this book is laser-printed will burn readily and may cause severe environmental damage if improperly discarded.  If you don't like it, you may burn it or feed it to the neighbor's cat without fear of serious consequences unless your local city ordnances frown upon open fires [in which case, show them the book, and they will be happy to burn it for you] or PETA goes naked over feeding it to hapless beasts.  I wonder if PETA is over 60.  Anyway, enjoy the book if you want to or throw it away if you'd rather.  It might make a nice gift for someone you want to offend. The author disclaims and refuses all claims if you set your house on fire or if you cause other damage or injury from engaging in other reckless stupid activity arising from your acquiring or reading this book.  Aaution - most garbage disposal units warn against feeding paper products to or through their equipment.

a few pearls of ... uh ...  brilliant insight, humor, and truth ... uh ...  or whatever ...

2. Embrace life! Grab it by the hair and ears and drag it along with you. Ain't nobody else gonna do it for you.

3. MIO. Misery is optional. You and God are in control. God didn't put you here on earth to eat dirt; so if you don't like dirt, don't eat it. duh. You got a choice: stuff happens to everybody; but it's what you you do that counts. So if you wanna eat dirt, eat it and quit whinin' about it. Me? I prefer Gusto. Gotta agree with my old friend Steve Denbow: "If you ain't on the edge, you're just suckin' air.

5. Eat Right. Include lots of chocolate and good ice cream (there is a lot of crap out there disguised as ice cream: read the box - if it has more than one ingredient you can't pronounce, don't eat it). Pizza is good for your morale, so eat a lot of it. Meat is up to you. Oh, yeah, eat some green stuff from time to time, but don't get carried away. Besides bein' good to eat, lots of garlic bread is a great moron-repellant. Try it: life will suddenly be a lot easier.

6. Don't smoke. You ain't on fire; if you were, you wouldn't need artificial augmentation. Besides, it makes you smell bad, and then you die and smell better. Is that the legacy you want to leave?

8. Stay fit. Get up early Saturday and watch the fitness shows on TV, and on Sunday watch the Yoga masters. Go out and buy a couple of fitness videos and set 'em out on your TV or VCR where people will see 'em. Other than that, Throw away the remote control and walk a little bit, you lazy pud.

10. Don't worry about gettin' dirty. It means you're havin' fun. Your inner child knows all about gettin' dirty and havin' fun. Listen to him or her. God made the dirt and gave us the capacity to have fun. Let it happen. If still bothers you, buy soap.

12. Lie every chance you get. Who cares? Most of the time no one believes you anyway. Think you don't know how? See? You're lyin' already. But if you really believe you don't know how, take up fishing or golf - you'll get lots of practice. Or run for elective office. If that's too; hard, exaggerate just as you do all the time now. Who do you think you're kidding?

14. Be generous. Stress is a killer, so get rid of it. Give it away to someone who wants it. I guarantee people will fight for it like seagulls for garbage. They REALLY want it; so why not make 'em happy? You don't need it. Consider this: if it were so freakin' valuable, the government would tax it. So don't get headaches - give 'em! Don't hold on to crap you don't need - remember rule 3.

Are you kidding me? You think you really want to read more?

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